You are viewing sfeley

Previous Entry | Next Entry

End-of-year thoughts

pitcher plant
(Yes, so it's five days after New Year's.  Your point?)

2008, for the most part, sucked.  It sucked rigorously.  It sucked Dalmatians through a garden hose.  Were it not for certain events and people, it would trap light within its event horizon.

I can say with full sincerity that it was the worst year I've ever had.  I began the year deeply in love with three women who loved me too.  I lost one of those relationships on January 1, and another a month later, on my birthday.  (That second loss reverberated throughout the year, with echoes and harmonics that kept some of the joy, and then a lot more of the pain, fresh and sharp and kept me from letting go for far too long.)  I did keep my marriage and my family intact and strong.  Anna and I have had our problems this year, but it hasn't threatened the idea of us.

I lost two jobs.  One was absolutely my fault.  I deserved to get fired; I bought my boss lunch that day and thanked him.  The other one wasn't, it was just a breakdown in the client/contractor relationship.  But it led to my current gig, which is the best job I've ever had.  A year ago it would have been ludicrous to suggest that Anna would have to warn me off of overworking.  Now I find myself motivated to give much more than I need to, and I'm loving it.

It was a bad year for my mental health.  It was the first year that mental health was even something I needed to think about.  I had some pretty bad moments.  I went through three psychiatrists, two therapists, and a neuropsychologist who called me "fascinating."  (I was not flattered.)  But I did manage to scrape through without seriously hurting anyone else, and only moderately hurting myself.  My ADD is being treated, and I suppose I am lucky in that my depression and anxiety are the kind that make me go "Wow, depression and anxiety suck, I'd better solve this" rather than wallow in them.  Or maybe it's just me being stubborn.  Whichever, I'm generally doing better.  Lexapro and Buddhist meditation work well together.

The year sucked.  It sucked enough that when Anna asked me quite innocently on New Year's Eve what I thought of 2008, it gave me an odd sort of panic attack and nearly fucked up my evening.  I didn't want to think about it.  I wanted it behind me.  I wanted to carry the good stuff with me and not look back at where it came from.

But of course that isn't really helpful.  And it isn't honest.

There is good stuff.  I'm feeling like I'm starting 2009...  Well, I don't want to say "In a good place," I thought that at the end of 2007 too.  But I think I'm stronger.  I know myself better.  A lot better in some ways.  I'm more aware of healthy balance.  I'm employed at a stable place where I'm empowered to be creative and succeed.  I have a new relationship with a cute, smart woman whom I've known for years (hi kitanzi ) and proving so far that I can have fun and be emotionally open without going overboard.  I am passionately in love with my wife and fiercely in love with my kid.  I haven't kicked all my bad habits (staying up too late, for instance) but I'm taking some steps.

I usually have to make mistakes and get slapped for them at least a few times before I really learn.  Last year was a whole lot of mistaking and slapping. 

This year I'm in the game.

Comments

( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
alasdair1076
Jan. 5th, 2009 09:46 am (UTC)
The bad news is your '08 officially trumps my '07 (Remind me to tell you that story some time. It involves no less than two largely horrific holidays, having to attempt to change my world view significantly and six months where mental health was definitively a serious issue).

The good news is you've got distance and perspective and a vast amount of self knowledge. The other good news? You're an incredibly nice guy and it's an honour and a pleasure to work with you.
(Anonymous)
Jan. 5th, 2009 02:22 pm (UTC)
You and me both
You said it Steve 2008 sucked Dalmatians through a garden hose. Glad to read that things are getting better on your end as well. Tell Anna that even with having never meeting her I know she is one of the reasons men have worshiped Athena, Artimis, Nike and the muses.
madamruppy
Jan. 5th, 2009 02:39 pm (UTC)
Our 2008s had many parralells but I'm glad we both made it through. *raises glass* Here's to a new and better 2009
sartorias
Jan. 5th, 2009 02:49 pm (UTC)
Yay for Steve!
ruralwriter
Jan. 5th, 2009 03:14 pm (UTC)
a neuropsychologist who called me "fascinating."

Yeah, this ranks right up there with doctors saying, "I've never seen THAT before."

Best of luck with '09! Sounds like you're off to a good start!
matt_arnold
Jan. 5th, 2009 04:38 pm (UTC)
I can relate. May 2009 be the year it turns around and stays turned around!
browascension
Jan. 5th, 2009 04:49 pm (UTC)
Welcome to 2009!
polylizzy
Jan. 5th, 2009 05:37 pm (UTC)
(((hugs)))

Right with you on the "2008 sucked" bandwagon.

2009 isn't looking much better at close range for me right now, but there are a few really amazing opportunities for me just over the horizon. I will just have to be patient as they mostly depend on other people.

I had a rough night on NYE reconciling my year also.

I am just looking forward, doing what I CAN, and leaving the year open to better things. If they are fated to happen, they will.
songjewel
Jan. 5th, 2009 05:46 pm (UTC)
Yay for 2008 being over. It was indeed the year of the suckitude. Here's hoping 2009 rocks!
krylyr
Jan. 5th, 2009 06:20 pm (UTC)
Glad to see you're feeling in the game, man. Hoping all the best for you and yours.
blahflowers
Jan. 5th, 2009 06:48 pm (UTC)
This year I'm in the game.

That's good to hear Steve. May all your subsequent years be non-craptastic.
shirlee53
Jan. 5th, 2009 09:04 pm (UTC)
I'm so happy for you. Good Luck in 2009!
kitanzi
Jan. 5th, 2009 10:15 pm (UTC)
Glad to have at least helped out the end of your Year of Suck, dear. Here's to lots more of that! *bearhug* (And I love the phrase "sucked Dalmatians through a garden hose"!)
dsmoen
Jan. 5th, 2009 11:08 pm (UTC)
You know, despite it all, your 2008 was nowhere near as bad as my 1996, and may you never experience anything as bad as my 1996.

Just sayin'.
therinth
Jan. 6th, 2009 06:12 am (UTC)
Dude...2008...yeah. So much better off with it gone!

Here's to a much more emotionally and mentally profitable 2009 for both of us!

*hugs!*
kittyavatar
Jan. 6th, 2009 04:56 pm (UTC)
2008 was pretty icky. The first part of the year was stressful with lots of issues as Puck and I were still learning to live together, then my mother died, then I lost my job. I hope 2009 is better, but I am trying not to think about it to much.
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )